Campy's Editorial Page

Community Service Bulletin

Now playing: "Bullet in the Head" by Rage Against The Machine

June 1, 2001

We here at Campanello's care very much about our customers and our community as a whole. It's true. It is for this reason that we want do our part to let people know that they can feel safe in our lovely downtown Cincinnati business districts. That is why we have devised a five-point plan to help all of our customers, as well as those who may be considering joining us in the future, avoid being shot by the Cincinnati Police. While this plan may not prevent all shootings, we can assure you that very few will take place if this plan is rigorously adhered to. If you are from out of town, this plan will almost certainly work where you live too. So without further ado, we present to you:

Campy's Guide to NOT getting shot by the police.

1. DO NOT COMMIT CRIMES. We can't stress this enough people. I know it seems elementary, but this rule is lost on many. People commit crimes, get shot, and then we are treated to cries of "How could this possibly happen?" They complain that it is so unfair. They fail to realize being a criminal, much like jumping in front of moving cars, is a high-risk occupation and in case you missed it, committing crimes can make police officers think you might not be a good person.

2. If you ignore rule No. 1, and the police do confront you, DO NOT RUN AWAY FROM THEM. I know it's hard to believe, but that may make them think you're guilty of something. Hiding in bushes or behind buildings will make some cops very nervous. They might even foolishly conclude that you're up to no good!

3. If you disregard rules 1 and 2, and the cops catch up with you and inform you that you are under arrest, DO NOT MAKE ANY FAST MOVEMENTS WITH YOUR HANDS. I know it sounds silly, but grabbing a shiny beer can, a cell phone, a wallet, a brick, or one of those snazzy and real-looking replica guns or knives may make police officers mistakenly believe that you are about to hurt them.

4. If you disregard rules 1, 2, and 3, and manage to get what looks like a deadly weapon into your hands, DO NOT POINT IT AT THE COPS. We all know that you're basically a nice person, but that may be lost on the police officers confronting you. In their paranoia, they may even believe they need to protect themselves.

5. If you disregard rules 1, 2, 3, and 4, DON'T GET MAD WHEN THE COPS TAKE YOU DOWN. They may be too preoccupied to realize that you're normally a splendid person and that you're just having a bad day. They may also be too preoccupied to see that when you commit criminal acts, it is just your way of crying out for help. We both know that the whole problem can be traced to the fact that your mother didn't breast feed you and that daddy didn't give you enough hugs, but some police officers are so cynical they just don't see it.

So, there you have it. If you really apply yourself and obey even some of the rules listed above, you should be able to avoid the vast majority of police gunfire.

If you fail to see why this list is necessary, please see our previous page.

To read what others are saying about the "Unrest in Cincinnati" please read the following stories:

Note: Some of the opinions expressed on the following web sites do not reflect the views of anyone at Campanello's Italian Restaurant or campanellos.com.

The New American - Police, Race and Cincinnati's Riots (5/21/2001)

TooGoodReports - Cincinnati: Recipe for a Riot (4/23/01)

TooGoodReports - A Search For Truth In The Cincinnati Riots (4/18/01)

National Review Online - It's a Hate Crime When They Say So (4/13/01)

Previous Editorials